Do you work for a boss or manager who makes you dread showing up at your job? Are you often worried about how you’ll be treated at work? Is your boss unfair, toxic, or abusive? Read on to learn more about identifying and managing a toxic boss.

The leadership style at a workplace often has more impact on how people feel about their jobs than any other factor. A boss who mistreats their employees can turn what could otherwise be a dream job into a source of stress, tension, and/or anxiety for the people who work there. And the effects are often felt far beyond the workplace to impact your personal life as well.  

There are different levels of severity for unhealthy bosses – those you don’t get along with due to largely personal differences, bosses who have toxic habits, and those who are abusive. All types have the potential to impact your mental health, but some are more damaging than others.

Depending on how your boss treats you, you may be able to take measures that help you tolerate their behaviour while insulting yourself from the worst of the effects. But very harmful bosses – which most toxic and all abusive bosses are – can rarely be tolerated. They’re more likely to do damage to your mental health and how you think of yourself while making it a struggle to enjoy yourself at work and at home.  

This is why it’s valuable to be able to identify the signs of an unhealthy boss, assess how much their behaviour is affecting you, and determine what measures you can take to protect yourself so you’re more capable of carefully considering your situation and making the best decision possible in difficult circumstances.  

What makes an unhealthy or toxic boss?

What makes a boss unpleasant to work for is to an extent subjective, although there are certain ways of being treated that are almost universally negative experiences, especially those that are abusive.  

Broadly speaking, unhealthy bosses can be categorised into three types: those you’re incompatible with, toxic, and abusive.

Incompatible

You could view your boss’s leadership style as problematic and challenging because you have different beliefs about how people should be treated in the workplace and what expectations are reasonable. This could be someone who is uncomfortable with confrontation working for a manager who favours a direct approach, an employee who feels lost without clear objectives and regular feedback reporting to a boss who wants employees be largely independent, or someone whose boss expects them to work faster than they prefer. The boss’s leadership style isn’t necessarily unhealthy or harmful, yet it can be at odds with what the individual wants in a leader and doesn’t reflect their values and priorities.

Typically these types of bosses have some people within the organisation who enjoy working with them while others dislike their leadership style and may even want to quit because of them, despite being consistent in how they treat everyone.

Toxic

Almost all organisations with toxic bosses will be considered toxic because of how much influence leaders have over the environment.

In order to better understand what makes a boss or a workplace toxic, it can be useful to consider the definition of toxic. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines toxic as: “extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful“. Despite the severity of this definition, plenty of people describe anyone and any type of behaviour they dislike as toxic, even though it might not be. You can disagree with someone or find them irritating without them being toxic or having toxic qualities.

Common sings of a toxic boss include:

• Creating an environment of urgency
• Not communicating expectations yet getting upset when they aren’t met, frequently creating confusion and uncertainty
• Inconsistent behaviour – often shifting from friendly or short-tempered – that leaves you uncertain what to expect each day
• Being intolerant of mistakes and having reactions that are out of proportion to what happened
• Only recognising bad behaviour and unmet expectations
• Micromanaging and refusing to trust others
• Indifference to personal struggles employees are experiencing and expecting no changes in their performances

Abusive

Even worse than a toxic boss is one that is abusive. Abusive bosses will negatively affect the mental health of almost everyone who works under them; it’s almost impossible not to be affected by them, unless they don’t direct the worst of their behaviour at you.

Toxic and abusive bosses are similar, but the most important difference is how much they understand the impacts of their behaviour. Unlike some toxic leaders who might not be aware of how they’re affecting the workplace, abusive bosses tend to realise that their behaviour is harming others. Abuse is driven by a desire for power and control, which bosses can achieve through sustained and systematic behaviours that are intended to destroy their employees’ confidence and positioning themselves as the ultimate authority.

They may claim that their goal isn’t to hurt people, but they know that they’re behaving in ways that will negatively impact the vast majority of people. They can justify their actions by claiming that they only want to work with people ‘strong’ enough to put up with how they treat others or their responses are necessary to ensure results, yet the outcome is the same – a terrorised staff.

Abusive behaviours include:

• Disrespect, especially when it’s consistent and never apologised for
• Humiliation, particularly when it takes place in front of others
• Responding to mistakes or unmet expectations with contempt, criticism or condescension
• Punishing mistakes with shame
• Intimidation
• Creating an environment of fear and tension
• Being threatened by good ideas and strong performers so these are punished or suppressed 
• Refusing to give feedback or share information so they have control over how much others know
• Completely lacking empathy

Regardless of whether your work for a boss whose methods you disapprove of, a boss with toxic qualities, or an abusive boss, the results can be very similar. If you feel mistreated at work, your mental health is likely to suffer. The impacts can be less apparent if your situation isn’t too severe, but that doesn’t make it completely harmless – just less so and it will take longer for you to feel the effects.

It’s important to take having a boss you dislike seriously so that you can take the necessary steps to understand your situation and how it has the potential to negatively impact you.

What are the consequences?

You shouldn’t underestimate the possible consequences of spending too much time in a situation that makes you unhappy. Experiencing distress because of your workplace, especially when it’s caused by an unhealthy boss, can be highly damaging to your physical and mental health.

There are a variety of ways that the stress and tension you experience on a regular basis can affect you physically and psychologically. While these can vary significantly from person to person – depending on the nature of the situation and personality – the most common include:

• Headaches
• Aches and pains
• Gastrointestinal issues
• High blood pressure
• Weight gain or loss
• Difficulty sleeping or spending too much time in bed
• Helplessness
• Not being able to relax, even when at home
• Feeling responsible for your situation: believing that if you were more competent you’d be treated better or if you were stronger you wouldn’t be so impacted
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Developing a chronic stress condition

Working for an abusive boss can have effects similar to those of living with an abusive partner. You can lose your sense of self-worth, believe that your short-comings and failures are the reason they treat you so badly, feel incapable of leaving or improving your situation, consistently doubt yourself and your abilities, feel isolated from others because you don’t want them to know the embarrassing details of what you’re experiencing, and struggle to focus or lose yourself in activities because your thoughts return to work.

Most people working for a boss they deeply dislike will fantasise about quitting – it can seem like the best and possibly only solution to your problems. While staying in a situation that is harming your health is almost always too risky, the nature and importance of jobs often means that leaving without a plan can have consequences that are just as distressing as those you’re already experiencing.

Even under ideal circumstances – having savings, sharing financial responsibilities, working in an industry that is often hiring, not relying on a reference – leaving a job is rarely easy or stress-free. Job-hunting with the pressure your current job places you under can be highly taxing. But leaving a job before securing another one can be stressful as well, especially if money is tight. This is why there are often benefits to taking your time before quitting and ensuring that your actions are based on logic rather than emotions, since you’re more likely to regret a rash emotionally-charged decision more than one you logically considered.

While leaving might be ideal and it could feel like there’s nothing else you can do to improve your situation, there are ways you can attempt to instigate change and protect your mental health. Because working for a toxic or abusive boss can damage your health and confidence, it’s often valuable and to take care of yourself before committing to a plan. Then you can be more resilient and feel more capable of taking action.

What has the potential to help you change your situation and improve your mental health will depend on your circumstances and your personality, but the majority of people can benefit from some or all of the following:  

1) Mentally reframe your boss’s behaviour

Depending on the nature of your boss’s behaviour, you may be able to think of it differently to be less impacted. This is especially true if they’re not toxic or abusive but rather you disagree with their leadership style.

If you can remind yourself that you struggle with your boss because you have different expectations, priorities and values, you may be able to shift your perception of them and understand that the two of you may have incompatible personalities. This doesn’t mean that you like working with them, but that’s largely your opinion.

You may also be able to be less effected by their behaviour if you can identify potential benefits. How people feel about a harsh leadership style depends a great deal on how they interpret their bosses’ motivations, specifically whether they believe that their boss has the intention and ability to help them learn and grow.

Highly demanding bosses can be viewed more positively if the employees believe that the boss’s methods serve a higher purpose. If workers think that their boss is invested in their growth and is capable of helping them achieve this – as often evidenced by the boss’s own success – they’re more likely to be forgiving of harsh and unpleasant behaviour because they believe a meaning. Instead of thinking of their boss as a bully, they can consider the behaviour ‘though love’ that will have future benefits.

Sometimes these beliefs are a misplaced attempt to find a silver lining to a bad situation, but even if they don’t reflect the boss’s intentions, they can still have some truth to them – striving to please a demanding boss can drive growth and improve your skills.

However, this isn’t always possible – some bosses mistreat others without any intention of helping them grow. If telling yourself this is your boss’s objective would be dishonest, don’t ask yourself to believe a lie because that’s unlikely to be helpful.

2) Talk to your boss

Although it might be very challenging, it’s often valuable to speak with your boss before quitting in an attempt to bring about change.

Some people’s relationship with their boss can improve through a discussion about expectations. If your boss isn’t an effective and consistent communicator, you could be left wondering if you’re falling short of expectations, including in the number of hours you should work, how much effort is expected, when you should consider a task finished, and more. While some bosses intentionally withhold this information or are inconsistent on purpose, consider the possibility that your boss is unaware that their expectations are unclear. You could feel overworked even though your boss doesn’t expect this from you or would be willing to accept less.

It may be even more difficult, but you could also benefit form having a discussion with your boss about how their behaviour makes you feel. Especially if you’re important to the organisation, your boss may be willing to rethink some of their worst behaviours if you explain that you’re going to leave if they don’t change.

You might think there’s no point to attempting these discussions, but if you’re already planning on quitting then you have little to lose.

3) Take care of yourself

Although your situation might not allow you to ask for change or adopt a more positive perspective, you likely have the ability to prioritise taking care of yourself, which is especially important when you’re in a challenging situation you have little control over.

The majority of people feel better when they eat nutritious meals, limit highly-processed foods, drink enough water, maintain a regular sleep schedule with at least seven hours of rest, and exercise for a minimum of two hours per week. Most of these practices take energy, which you may be lacking if you’re already exhausted by an unhealthy boss, so the idea of expecting more from yourself could seem counter-intuitive. While it’s true that asking more of yourself when you’re already feeling depleted can be a bad idea, it’s important to be able to recognise what behaviours and actions have the potential to return the energy they require. Preparing a healthy meal does take more effort than just snacking, but it will give you more energy overall; it takes effort to take a walk or go to the gym, but exercise will increase your energy levels long-term.

Adopting a healthy lifestyle also includes practicing self-care: doing things you know will either relax you or give you more energy. Self-care can vary significantly from person to person. Some people like taking a long bath with soothing music while others can practice self-care by going to a kickboxing class. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you feel refreshed and invigorated afterwards.

4) Ask yourself how accurate the things your boss tells you are

A common feature exhibited by toxic and abusive bosses is greatly exaggerating your mistakes and being highly critical. They can claim you’re incompetent, that your mistakes will have far-reaching consequences, and that you’re incapable of improving.

Mistakes in the workplace are inevitable, and some are more damaging than others. But the majority of mistakes people make have relatively few consequences and are more likely a sign that you were distracted, still learning, or had a temporary lapse in judgement rather than being evidence that you don’t deserve your position and have the potential to derail the company, even though toxic bosses can tell you this is what you should believe.

In these types of situations, it’s often valuable to be honest and realistic about your mistakes. Recognise when you make mistakes – big and small – but then ask yourself what the consequences really were, why you made the mistake, and if your boss’s reaction was proportionate. If they’re overreacting, you can recognise this, ask yourself what a more reasonable reaction could have been, and consider what you can learn before moving on.

To avoid internalising these messages, pay attention to your self-talkto ensure you aren’t repeating your boss’s words and messages as this can make you believe them and think poorly of yourself.  

5) Take control of what you can

For most people who have an unhealthy boss, one of the most damaging aspects is the feeling that they lack control over how they’ll be treated at work. A sense of powerlessness is very painful, so it can be helpful to take control of as much as you can in your life to feel more empowered.

This could be finding small annoyances that you can easily fix, such as a broken drawer or a messy closet. You could also identify changes you want to make in your life, like getting up earlier than necessary so you can enjoy a coffee before leaving for work or spending more time reading in your free time. What you take control of doesn’t have to be significant or highly impactful – the act of mindfully choosing to take action to improve your life in even small ways has the potential to be meaningful if you recognise and appreciate the value it can bring.

As you find more and increasingly significant ways of taking control, you can feel more capable of addressing bigger challenges – potentially even building up to talking to your boss about their behaviour and/or leaving your job if you decide this would likely be good for you.

Changing your situation and/or improving your mental health could be easier if you get outside help.

In some situations, you could be able to contact an internal department or report your boss to a workers’ rights organisation if their behaviour violates company rules or state and federal laws protecting workers. It could also be possible to request working in a different department or under someone else if you and your boss are struggling to get along.

You could also consider talking to a mental health professional. A professional can help counter the harmful messages your boss may be sending you, suggest ways you can feel more empowered, and identify different interpretations of your situation, as well as encouraging you to prioritise taking care of yourself. Having this type of help can be especially valuable if you don’t feel capable of changing your situation – even if that just means making small improvements to your life.

Whenever your mental health is being negatively impacted, it’s almost always best to address the origin of the problem. But this isn’t always possible. When you can’t change your circumstances, doing your best to improve the areas of your life that you do have control over can be helpful, even though it might not be enough to fully protect you.

However, taking care of yourself and doing what you can to feel capable and empowered can help you feel ready to make a decision as impactful as whether to leave your job. Quitting a job is for some people a difficult decision to make, even if it’s clear this would make them happier. This is why it’s often useful to take some time before making a decision. Once you’ve improved how you feel, your situation could appear different: it could seem less severe or that you have more options available to you than you realised.  

Improving your situation is often a process, and you’re more likely to have the confidence to start and the energy to follow through when you’ve done what you can to give yourself as much self-assurance and motivation as possible.

If you have a toxic or abusive boss, there’s likely only so much you can do to shield yourself from being negatively affected. Some people are highly skilled at compartmentalising the different areas of their lives so they can walk away from the negative feelings associated with work and enjoy themselves the rest of the time and understand that how their boss treats them doesn’t reflect their value as a person. But the majority of people will struggle to work for someone unhealthy, toxic or abusive without having the impacts affect them at work and in their personal lives as well.

You may believe that you should be able to disconnect from work off the clock, although this is rarely practical or possible. Work is a significant portion of your life and thinking about work and the negativity you experience there doesn’t stop once your shift ends. It’s difficult not to ruminate after negative experiences even if they’re work-related. Harmful bosses can make you question your competency and value, lower your self-worth and make you believe that you can’t improve your situation or expect anything better somewhere else.  

Working for someone who causes excessive negative emotions and upsetting experiences should be taken seriously. Thinking poorly of yourself is very painful and can affect your entire life, potentially leading to severe outcomes – developing a mental health condition, placing strain on relationships, leaving you without enough energy to take care of your responsibilities, and more.

But if you understand the signs that your relationship with your boss is unhealthy or they’re toxic or abusive, are familiar with measures you can take to improve your circumstances and take care of your mental health to feel capable of initiating changing, you can have a far better chance of finding a solution to a challenging situation.