Does your child have self-centred and insensitive attitudes you find concerning? Would you like to encourage your child to be kinder and calmer but you aren’t sure the best way to do this? Are you worried that your child is narcissistic?

A number of behaviours that would be considered narcissistic and problematic in adults are completely normal in children. All children will sometimes act selfishly, misbehave, be self-centred, and lack empathy. This is often age-appropriate and doesn’t make them narcissists, but when these behaviours are excessive and/or continuing after they should have grown out of them, they can be cause for concern.

Although the majority of children grow out of most narcissistic behaviours, some need guidance to develop healthier ways of thinking of themselves and relating to others. As their parent or caregiver, you are in the best position to help them change. You can consider the lessons you’re teaching your child and if you’re happy with the sort of person your child seems on track to become.

Knowing what changes your child would benefit from is often very difficult, and your child may resist some (or all) of the changes you would like to introduce. But narcissists aren’t happy people – because of how they think of themselves deep down, what they’re able to tell themselves, and their difficulties in forming relationships – so even if your child dislikes what you introduce, you’re giving them a better future by helping them to adjust how they think of themselves and others.

What is childhood narcissism and where does it come from?

Why do some children believe they’re more special and deserving than others? What keeps a child from developing empathy? How can you encourage a child to have a realistic perspective of themselves?

Narcissists lack empathy and can only care for themselves. They have an incredibly high opinion of themselves and believe they’re beyond reproach or being held accountable, yet they’re unable to tell themselves positive things about themselves so they rely on others to maintain their self-image. In order to gain the adoration and sense of superiority they need, they will manipulate, berate, gaslight, and exploit people. Narcissists can do incredible damage to the people in their lives while also being deeply unhappy and insecure.

Usually when someone describes somebody as a narcissist, they aren’t a true narcissist who could receive a diagnosis, but they’re showing narcissistic qualities. Having narcissistic traits isn’t the same as a diagnosable condition. True narcissism – known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – only affects one to five percent of the adult population. However, approximately 100% of the population will act like a narcissist at times and most people have reoccurring behaviours that are narcissistic.

Children are never diagnosed with NPD because their brains and personalities are still developing and it’s appropriate for children to exhibit traits of narcissism. Babies are born with no awareness of the emotions of anyone besides themselves. They expect their parents to take care of all of their problems and quickly become overwhelmed at the slightest discomfort, which they then make their parents’ problem, usually by screaming until they’re comforted. But this is acceptable and understandable because babies can’t do anything to comfort themselves. As children get older, more and more is expected from them in terms of meeting their own needs, regulating their emotions, practicing empathy, and tolerating discomfort. But if a child is a budding narcissist, these abilities may fail to develop and they won’t grow out of the expectation that it’s your responsibility, rather than theirs, to take care of their emotional needs.

Since it’s developmentally appropriate for children to have narcissistic qualities in some circumstances, the symptoms for childhood narcissism are different to those in adults. The most common and concerning symptoms of childhood narcissism include:

• Refusing to take responsibility for their behaviour
• Struggling to lose themselves in play, especially imagination-driven games
• High sensitivity to criticism, loss, and other forms of inconvenience or hardships beyond what is developmentally appropriate (ex. temper-tantrums)
• Feeling entitled to special treatment from adults and admiration from their peers
• Difficult relationships and few friends due to their domineering behaviour
• Lying, manipulating and using others without any remorse
• Being suspicious of others
• Fearing separation from their parents

Sporadic instances of acting like this is to be expected, but when children consistently act this way to the extent that it’s creating challenges for them, they might not grow out of these behaviours without help.

Children will need varying levels of guidance to move away from at least some of these ways of thinking and behaving. Some will need very little help while others can require extensive assistance and motivation. As their parent, you likely have more influence than anyone else over what they do and don’t learn. But this also means that you can unintentionally create and reinforce narcissistic behaviours and neglect to teach them attitudes and behaviours that are important for adulthood.

If children don’t have a realistic view of themselves, others, their place in the world, and the challenges they should expect to face, they’re at a higher risk of becoming narcissistic. Although narcissism is sometimes genetic, the vast majority of children who have problematic behaviour can benefit from healthy parenting styles.   

Parenting styles that lead to narcissistic qualities

How much time and attention do you give your child? How hard do you work to keep them happy? Does your child experience many age-appropriate challenges?

Although the causes of narcissism can be complex and varied, they are typically the result of too much or too little involvement and distance from a child’s caregivers. Children need a combination of attention and free time, help with challenges and encouragement that they can succeed on their own, and rules to follow and the ability to make decisions themselves. If your child is showing narcissistic qualities, it’s likely that there is an imbalance in at least one area of their life.

Consider the following areas that are the most common for parents to over- or under-provide and ask yourself if you recognise your family in any of them:

1) Criticism

Too much criticism damages a child’s mental health and how they think of themselves. It can make your child: believe they need to be perfect to meet your high standards so they’re afraid to try anything they might not do well at, avoid accountability because the consequences of mistakes are too great, and struggle to make friends because they’re frightened of disapproval. They can develop an overinflated opinion of themselves to compensate for the negativity they receive at home, while the pressure of excessive criticism can cause outbursts and defiance.

But never addressing your child’s inappropriate behaviour because you’re afraid of coming across as critical can also have negative consequences. Children who are rarely corrected can feel they’re above reprimand. This is a strong driver of narcissistic qualities in children because without anyone telling them when their behaviours aren’t acceptable, they can believe they have the right to act however they want, never learn how to handle feedback that isn’t positive, not take responsibility for their actions, and struggle to form relationships because they mistreat their peers. However, children don’t benefit from criticism so the alternative isn’t to start being critical but to provide guidance for your child, ideally in a manner that enables the child to understand that you love them, but not their behaviour.

2) Praise

Although positive feedback is important to a child’s development, praise that isn’t earned and is out of proportion to what they did can be unhealthy. Children who receive excessive praise from their parents can expect everyone else to react just as positively to everything they do. They can believe that they’re exceptional and deserve special treatment even when they make minimal efforts, such as expecting to be the captain of their sport team because they rarely miss practice or believing they should get high marks at school for turning in their assignments.

Too little praise can impact a child’s self-confidence and self-worth and make it difficult for them to able to tell themselves that they did a good job. Very young children have little context for their world so they turn to their parents to know how they should feel about things, including themselves. If they too rarely hear that they’re doing a good job and should be proud, they might not learn how to give themselves praise or think positively of themselves, which is a trait of narcissism that causes them to manipulate others into giving them positive feedback. Praising your child realistically is important to them developing the ability to tell themselves that they’ve done a good job and, more importantly, they are a good person who deserves love.

3) Hovering

Some parents have a very high level of involvement and control in their children’s lives and are never far away – either physically or staying connected through technology. They give their children few (if any) choices to make on their own, influence the decisions their children are able to make for themselves, manage the majority of their time, and remove obstacles to save them from as much failure as possible. While this can lead to anxiety and depression, it can also lead to narcissism. Their parent’s devotion to them can make children believe they deserve this level of care and attention, while rarely having to overcome obstacles or deal with failure can give them a false sense of accomplishment and make them highly sensitive to challenges and negativity. They may never grow out of the infantile expectation that it’s your job to anticipate their needs, resolve their challenges, and prevent discomfort, which are characteristics of narcissism.

But parents who are too distant can also cause their children to develop narcissistic traits. The same way that children who are rarely praised can have challenges with their self-confidence and self-esteem,the children of distant parents can develop narcissist traits to receive attention from their parents, or practice manipulation to get praise and/or sympathy from others. If they feel a painful lack of attention, most children will do whatever they can to gain it, without differentiating between positive and negative attention. They can also refuse to take accountability for their mistakes out of the fear that this will cause further distance.

4) Indulgent

Parents who indulge their children are usually coming from a place of love, so it’s important to understand how giving children too much only benefits them short-term and places them at risk of becoming entitled. Getting what they ask for (or demand) won’t satisfy a child outside of the moment – it will only make them want and expect more and more while teaching them that joy comes from possessions. Giving them too much of your time can also be over-indulging. Quality time with their parents benefits children more than anything else so it can seem strange that too much can create behavioural problems, but if you’re always willing to stop whatever you’re doing to do what your child wants, they can come to believe that their needs are the only ones that matter and they always deserve your immediate and undivided attention.

But not making your child a priority often enough can make them feel like they aren’t important to you. Narcissists believe that they’re special so the rules don’t apply to them – thinking they had a challenging childhood with distant parents who didn’t meet their needs can give them this perspective. It can be difficult to find enough time to spend with your children, but quality is much more important than quantity. Even if you don’t have a great deal of free time to spend with your children, if you give your child your complete attention while you’re together and do things they enjoy, they’ll feel reconnected, reassured, and understand that you care deeply for them and think of them often.

5) Independence

Giving children the same amount of freedom as an adult can also create narcissism. It’s important to give children options so they don’t feel controlled and sometimes asking is better than telling, but children don’t benefit from too much control over their lives. This can lead to entitlement and believing that they’re special and more deserving than others, especially if you ask your child to do important things instead of insisting, such as asking if they want to take a bath so they choose if they have a bath or not. As their parent, your child needs you to guide them towards healthy decisions they’re not mature enough to make until they’re capable of taking on adult responsibilities.

However, too little independence can prevent children from developing resilience and their sense of self, which are important traits that narcissists lack. Children whose parents always tell them what to do can believe that they deserve constant monitoring while not understanding that they’re responsible for their actions. They can also struggle to connect and empathise with other children because they aren’t given the similar opportunities to explore and discover who they are, what they enjoy, and what they’re capable of. Some controlled children will resist their parents by lashing out and insisting they should be obeyed.

Although it can seem difficult to strike a balance that is good for your child, this is rarely the case. Mentally healthy children don’t need highly specific circumstances to thrive. The vast majority of children respond positively to a secure, predictable and loving environment that gives them the space they need to develop and grow while feeling confident enough to challenge themselves.

Parental techniques to counter narcissistic qualities

It can be difficult to identify where you’re imbalanced in your parenting, especially if there isn’t an obvious reason for your child’s misbehaviour. If you’re not sure of the best ways to adjust your parenting style, you can ask yourself if you’re accomplishing the following:

1) Meet their emotional needs

Meeting a child’s emotional needs means they believe that you like, love and think about them enough. When they’re upset, scared, hurt, or worried, they know that they can turn to you for empathy, reassurance, and support in navigating their problems, even if this is just encouragement they can find a solution or reassuring them that they’re capable of enduring it.

If a child’s emotional needs aren’t being met, they can’t be mentally healthy. They can:

• Resist taking accountability for their mistakes because they’re afraid of being rejected
• Think that since their emotions aren’t valued by others they don’t need to practice empathy  
• Be sensitive to criticism because they’re afraid of losing your love
• Fear separation because they’re worried you’ll lose interest in them while you’re apart
• Become entitled because they don’t feel satisfied with the attention you give them so they think deserve special treatment to compensate

Because meeting a child’s emotional needs is based on how they feel, there is sometimes little basis in reality. You could adore your child, spend a great deal of time with them, and they’re never far from your mind, yet your child could still feel that you don’t care about them, so their emotional needs aren’t being met. Some children need a great deal of reassurance that they’re safe and loved while others require relatively little. what provides this reassurance also varies from child to child – some children want to be told how much their parents care for them, others prefer doing things together with little talking, or they can prefer visual reminders of your connection.

Children are most likely to feel secure when they’re understood, respected, accepted, and free to be themselves without being rejected or judged. To meet your child’s emotional needs: listen to your child, express curiosity about what’s going on in their lives, engage in their interests and pastimes, and spend time together without any distractions. When you’re together, honour their personality – a shy child won’t enjoy the same types of activities or attention as a rowdy child. If you have more than one child and you treat them the same, this is a sign that you’re engaging with them in a way that honours your personality more than theirs.

Your child will unavoidably feel ignored, disrespected, dismissed and judged at times, but if you meet their emotional needs more often than not, they will know that even though they aren’t happy with the way you’re treating them in the moment, you still love and care for them very much and want the best for them.

Secure children whose emotional needs get met are in the best position to learn the skills and mindsets that counter narcissism and grow into well-adjusted adults.

2) Support your child through challenges and failures

Challenges and failures provide excellent learning opportunities for children, so let your child experience challenges without automatically helping them – even if it means they won’t be successful. This can be difficult and your child can become frustrated if you refuse to help, but allowing them to struggle benefits them long-term.

Children will need help at times, especially if they’re trying something new or especially difficult, but encourage them to persevere as long as possible before you intervene, and don’t insist they need help if they aren’t asking. Your child should understand that you’re there to support them and help if necessary, but view their challenges as theirs to take on. Allow them to fail when the stakes aren’t too high and make sure they understand they’re still loved and valued if they fail.

Narcissists cope very poorly with challenges and failures, so experiencing struggle and failure without high consequences can help prevent children from developing narcissistic qualities.

3) Let your child be disappointed

The ability to manage disappointment and the painful emotions is causes, move through them to acceptance, and potentially find an alternative is a very useful skill for children to have.

For parents, there are two types of disappointment their children will experience – disappointment they cause and disappointment they have little control over.

In order to teach a child disappointment, you must be comfortable telling them no. children who are rarely told no by their parents are at a higher risk of becoming narcissistic because they can become entitled and they don’t learn how to handle the many disappointments that are inevitable in adulthood. They can feel overwhelmed and/or resentful of the people in their lives who disappointment them and not know how to respond in a healthy way.

Your child will also be disappointed by others and experience disappointing situations. You may want to shield your child from disappointment by intervening to prevent it or fixing disappointing situations, but rather than trying to change their mood – such as by offering them something to compensate or trying to make them believe that what they’re sad about doesn’t actually matter – let them experience their emotions on their own terms. Be there with them if they want you to be, but don’t try to fix their emotions. It’s your child’s responsibility to process what they’re feeling and what lessons they’ll learn from the experience. Children must learn that even though they have someone who will support them through their challenges and struggles, they have to navigate these feelings themselves.

4) Let your child be bored

Many children complain when they’re bored, but needing to find their own solution is important to their development.

Narcissistic children aren’t very good at entertaining themselves and are likely to demand that you amuse them, but the ability to find something to do without help from an adult is a valuable skill for children that leads to practicing other important social skills. When children are left to create games, they have to use their imaginations, negotiate the rules with each other, find compromises, resolve conflicts, and decide if they like the game as it is or think of ways it could be improved. While they’re playing, they’re learning about themselves – what they enjoy, how different ways of treating others makes them feel, whether they prefer taking a leadership role or choosing to listen to their friends, and building an inner world of imagination. If you’re always willing to step in and find a game to play or something to watch, your child is missing out on opportunities to practice these skills and learn about themselves.

However, dismissing children who are craving connection isn’t the same as letting them be bored – the younger children are the more they will need to spend time with you to feel connected and they won’t be able to lose themselves in play until they feel reconnected. You may need to encourage your child to spend more time on their own to build their understanding that they can be away from you for longer periods of time than they’re initially comfortable with, but children who feel safe and loved should be comfortable on their own and capable of finding ways to entertain themselves.

5) Enforce rules

Children need rules to learn what is and isn’t acceptable. Without them, they can develop narcissistic qualities as they believe that they can behave however they want without any consequences.

Some parents create a lenient environment for their children with the intention of giving them the opportunity to develop responsibility independently, rather than as a result of enforced rules. Authoritarian households can produce children who only behave out of fear of consequences, which often leads to problematic behaviour once they move out and are suddenly independent. But homes with rules don’t need to be authoritarian.

The best types of rules are those that reflect values the family agrees they want to live by. For example, most families agree that they want to feel safe, so identifying and creating rules around behaviours that make people feel unsafe is an effective way to set rules that aren’t authoritarian yet limit a child’s behaviour. When rules are framed by how they affect others – when I hit my siblings they don’t feel safe – children can develop empathy and understand why rules exist beyond the need to not anger their parents. In time they can come to want to follow the rules because they feel proud of themselves when they respect their family’s values and they don’t like how they feel when they break the rules and hurt others.

The consequences for rule-breaking should be predetermined, clear, and consistent. If your child can slam their door when they’re some days but other times you get upset and take away their phone for the rest of the week, they won’t have a clear understanding of how you expect them to behave. And most children will test the limits of what they can get away with so you should expect door slamming to be the norm. When the consequences are predetermined and children know what they are they can take more responsibility for their behaviour – rather than blaming you for punishing them – because they knew what would happen if they broke a rule and decided to do it anyway.

Narcissists believe that rules don’t apply to them and they’re beyond reproach, so teaching children the value of rules and importance of honouring them makes them less likely to develop narcissistic traits.

6) Teach accountability

Narcissists don’t accept responsibility for their behaviour – they were always provoked, someone put them in a bad mood, or what they did simply isn’t their fault (no matter how clearly it is).

Teaching accountability is easiest in homes with consistently enforced rules – if the unspoken rule is ‘you can’t push your brother – unless he pushed you fist, took your toy, called you a name, or did anything else bad enough to get you really angry’ then children will always feel that their behaviours were justified and the fault of others. Enforcing rules no matter the circumstances sends them the message that although others can make them upset, they still know what is acceptable so if they choose to misbehave there will be consequences.

As children get older, they can learn the consequences of misbehaving that go beyond household rules, such as betraying a friend’s trust and their friend is upset until they take responsibility for what they did and apologise, or not preparing for a big game in sport and feeling embarrassed by their poor performance so they commit to spending more time preparing for the next game. The older children get, the more diverse opportunities they’ll have to understand the importance of taking responsibility.

It’s important not to judge children harshly for their mistakes. Children have a difficult time controlling their emotions so forgetting the rules when they’re worked up and lashing out is inevitable. And people of every age tend to believe their actions were justified until they’ve had time to calm down and reflect on their role in the situation. Make it clear that even though your child may act out at times and you don’t like their behaviour, you still love them very much.

7) Teach empathy

Developing an awareness of and appreciation for emotions in others takes time, and some children develop this more easily than others. Your child may just need to grow up a little more before they develop empathy, but they could need encouragement and guidance to develop this skill.

You can help your child empathise by talking about emotions. Because children learn through experience, it’s often the most effective to ask them how they think they made someone else feel when a situation presents itself, rather than asking them to imagine different scenarios. You can ask them empathy-provoking questions like “How do you think you made your friend feel when you took her toy? Look at her face – what do you think she’s feeling?” or “I saw that you gave your friend the toy he wanted even though you had it first. How do you think that made him feel?”. It’s also helpful to help them project their own emotions on to others by asking ‘How would you feel if that happened to you?”. You can ask your child how they think characters in books or on TV are feeling as well. However, if your child is upset they won’t be capable of thinking rationally or empathising, so it’s best to only ask them questions like these when they’re calm.

8) Allow them to develop their sense of self

As children get older, they develop their sense of self.

A sense of self is someone’s understanding of who they are as a person. It includes the type of person they want to be and the skills and qualities they possess that help them be this person. It’s a separate identity from their parents that makes them an individual.

Narcissists often have a very weak sense of self – they aren’t in touch with their dreams and desires, they don’t know their strengths and weaknesses or their positive and negative qualities, and they lack an overall understanding of who they are as a person. They will have things they want – compliments, respect, power, wealth, attractive partners, sympathy, deference, etc. but these are to raise their status in the eyes of others and don’t reflect who they are as an individual.

Children slowly develop their sense of self through their various positive and negative experiences. Challenges are vital to a child’s emerging sense of self as these are evidence of what they can overcome, but positive experiences are far more influential. They need enough independence to discover who they are and what they enjoy or dislike through the choices they make, rather than always being told what to do and how to feel.

9) Be a good role model

It will be almost impossible to get your child to change without modelling the behaviours you’re trying to encourage. They won’t stop being entitled if you talk about how much you deserve, they won’t take responsibility for their actions if you always have excuses for your bad behaviour, and they won’t get in touch with their emotions if you don’t understand emotions yourself.

Even – oftentimes especially – if it’s a struggle to change your behaviour, you’re modelling valuable skills to your child through your efforts: determination, commitment, resilience, confidence, and overcoming challenges. Acknowledge what’s difficult with your children in an age-appropriate way and let them know that you’re trying to change too.

Be kind to yourself

What do you normally say to yourself after making a mistake – both in general and in parenting? How do you speak to yourself when you’re learning or trying something new? Are you typically kind to yourself?

Changing your parenting style, and potentially making personal changes as well, will be easier and a more positive experience that doesn’t harm your mental health if you’re compassionate to yourself. Parenting is unavoidably be challenging, exhausting and frustrating at times, so it’s natural to sometimes react in ways you’re not proud of. Therefore, it’s useful to pay attention to your self-talk and try to be understanding and forgiving with yourself when you make mistakes.

One of the most effective ways to burn yourself out and harm your mental health while making parenting a thankless experience is being a perfectionist. There’s no such thing as perfect parenting, so aiming for this unattainable goal is exhausting and discouraging. A far better but still ambitious parenting goal is to aim to improve each day. No matter what changes you want to make or how much you think you have left to do, you can identify what you would like to start doing better, plan how to make these changes, anticipate the challenges and pushback, and celebrate your wins while viewing your failures as learning opportunities. Your mistakes can even be good for your child because you’re showing them that the people in their lives won’t always be perfect and by admitting what you did wrong you can fix mistakes and repair relationships.

Remind yourself that your goal shouldn’t be to meet all of your child’s various wants and needs – children need challenges, disappointment, frustration, mistakes, and failures to build many of the skills they’ll need as adults. Trying to be a parent who never upsets their child would cause them to miss out on many important opportunities to practice managing their emotions and developing realistic expectations, and put them at a higher risk of becoming narcissistic.

You might need to build or strengthen some of the skills you’ll need to help your child change their beliefs and behaviour. People who grew up in dysfunctional homes are the most likely to lack certain skills, but even those who had kind and loving parents can be missing important resources. This doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on their parents who may have avoided teaching them certain skills because it was too challenging or they weren’t aware of the importance. It’s also possible that you didn’t have the same emotional needs your child has – people who were stoic children may feel unprepared to raise a highly emotional child because they don’t have experience with this type of personality. So even if you had a good childhood with loving parents, it’s still possible that you never learned skills you now need to help your child change their behaviour.

Even if you’re confident you have the necessary sills, it’s valuable to give yourself the option of working with a professional. If you feel exceptionally challenged, or you have a very challenging child, getting help from a professional could save you a great deal of time, energy, and heartache. It can be difficult to recognise the outcomes of certain behaviours and ways of treating your child if they seem natural to you. Professionals are more capable of recognising the less obvious outcomes of parenting decisions styles and decisions so they can suggest alternatives,

All parents will make mistakes, have moments – or even weeks – they’re not proud of, be unable to meet their child’s needs at times, and not consistently be the parent they would like to be. Making mistakes and doing things you regret is unavoidable. For many areas of parenting, there isn’t as right or wrong way to treat your child, only better and worse. By trying to be an attentive and loving parent you’re aiming at a unique and moving target, so you’ll have the best mental health if you congratulate yourself for your successes and learn what you can from your mistakes then forgive yourself.  

Children can be horrible at times – selfish, self-centred, uncaring, arrogant, dismissive, unaccountable and more, but this doesn’t always make them narcissistic. It’s natural for children to have some narcissistic habits and qualities. These are usually short-lived phases most children grow out of in time, but some will need help.

If your child has any behaviours that are making you concerned they’re developing narcissistic qualities, you would likely benefit from asking yourself if there’s anything particularly unbalanced in your parenting style that you could change.

Many parents blame themselves for their child’s less-than-desirable attitudes and behaviours. While these may be caused by your parenting style, that doesn’t mean you should blame yourself. You’re almost certainly doing what you think is best for your child and didn’t anticipate the outcome. This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong but it’s simply not what your child needs to grow into their best self.

Asking yourself if you could change your parenting style or if you might be making mistakes takes courage and is a sign that you want to do what’s best for your child even if it requires potentially difficult and uncomfortable self-reflection.

Narcissists aren’t happy people, so by addressing narcissistic beliefs and behaviours in childhood when people are the most capable of making long-term changes, you’re helping your child to have a better future than they would if their behaviour went on unrestrained.

Adults can change as well, and you may find that you’re also happier if you take a balanced approach to parenting as this often has the best outcomes for the entire family.