Are you in a relationship that isn’t making you happy but you can’t decide if you should leave? Do you know someone who always seems to be upset by their partner but they just won’t end the relationship and you don’t understand why? Do you want to help someone or yourself make a decision about leaving or staying in a relationship?
Leaving a relationship, even if it’s unhealthy, can be incredibly difficult. It’s also challenging to see someone you care about in a relationship that isn’t making them happy but they can’t commit to ending it.
But why are relationships so hard to leave?
The reasons that people stay in relationships where they never seem happy can be incredibly complex and reflect what people think about themselves, how they feel about their partner, and how much better or worse they believe their lives would be if they left. It’s often a combination of different fears, obligations, and beliefs about the future, including hope that the relationship has the potential to improve.
These sometimes-contradictory emotions can be difficult to understand, not only by people outside the relationship but even by the person who is experiencing them. This is why it’s important to be forgiving with someone who can’t to commit deciding if they should end their relationship or not, or yourself if you’re having this struggle. But the more you understand about what can make it so challenging for people to leave, the more capable you can feel of deciding what you should do.
While the reasons that people feel unable to decide if they want to leave a relationship or stay and try to improve it are often deeply personal and complex, there are common reasons why this can be so challenging. By considering these reasons, you can ask yourself if any apply to you to get more insight into your own challenges.
1) Still feeling connected to your partner
It’s natural to still feel connected to someone you’ve likely shared a great deal with, even if they no longer make you happy. But being in love with someone doesn’t always mean that the relationship is healthy or rewarding.
Love is commonly mistaken as an indicator of a healthy relationship, and plenty people believe that if they love their partner, then they should be together. But there is more to healthy relationships than love, and loving someone doesn’t mean they’re good for you. People can be in love and share a strong connection without having a healthy relationship. Loving someone can even cause you to accept damaging behaviours and sacrifice your own wellbeing to make them happy, such as overlooking fundamental differences in beliefs and values, giving up more than you’re comfortable with to keep your partner happy, or accepting mistreatment to preserve the relationship.
It’s possible to be in love with the person your partner used to be because you have so many fond memories of them. But people naturally change over time, and the person you’re with today could share few similarities with the person you fell in love with and you’re much less compatible than you used to be.
If you want to stay with your partner but you aren’t satisfied with your relationship, these memories can provide motivation and guidance to improve your connection. You can consider what you used to enjoy doing together, what you spent the most time talking about, and how you made each other feel appreciated and loved so you can try to recreate these experiences, or you and your partner can try different ways of reconnecting.
It’s not always possible to repair a relationship that has been damaged or become distant, but you can benefit from attempting to do so if you’re questioning the future of your relationship. This can take a great deal of time and energy that can feel wasted if you do choose to leave, but you gain the assurance that you tried to be happy with your partner before ending the relationship so you can feel more confident in your decision.
If you’re unhappy, even though you’re in love, and you don’t think that your partner is going to change, then being in love might not be a good enough reason to stay. Recognising that you can be in love AND that you’d be happier if you left can help you better understand your feelings. Loving your partner is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t mean you’re in a healthy relationship.
2) Hope that the relationship will improve
Wanting a relationship to improve is natural, especially if you have fond memories of your partner. While plenty of relationships that have become unhappy can be repaired, this almost never happens without a great deal of effort from both partners.
Some couples drift apart and because of the distance, the relationship is no longer rewarding. This can be caused by significant changes such as having children or advancing in a demanding career, but it can also occur without any major changes and typically happens if couples don’t spend enough quality time together. However, these types of relationships can improve if you’re both willing to make a conscious effort to reconnect through shared conversations and experiences.
It is possible for relationships to have some improvement if only one partner is willing to invest the energy needed to repair the distance and possible damage, but without both being committed, you can only accomplish so much. You can start behaving in ways you wish your partner would adopt as well – such as initiating conversations and suggesting things you could do together – in the hopes that they’ll follow your lead. But if your partner is unwilling to put in any effort, it’s unlikely that you can improve the relationship enough to be satisfying on your own.
If the idea of initiating conversations with your partner and planning ways for you to spend time together doesn’t interest you, it’s possible that you’re no longer engaged the relationship and are only interested in staying if it can improve without any effort from you. While most people would be pleased if their relationships became more rewarding without them having to do anything, this rarely happens so it’s valuable to acknowledge that although you’re hoping for improvements, you’re unwilling to initiate them so your relationship will likely stay the same.
3) You believe that leaving means you wasted years of your life
Some people don’t want to leave a long-term relationship because they believe that if they do, all the time they spent in the relationship is lost. This way of thinking can also be what keeps people in jobs they dislike or working on projects that are unlikely to be successful.
But this perspective fails to take into account what you learned and experienced in the relationship. Almost all experiences provide value, and even relationships that end can have contributed a great deal to your life. You likely had some wonderful times, discovered new interests and hobbies, and met people you wouldn’t have without your partner.
You also could have learned a great deal about yourself – how you want to be treated, what you’re willing to sacrifice for someone else, boundaries you can’t comfortably compromise, and much more. This is useful information not only if you choose to have a future partner, but in all relationships, such as with an insensitive relative or demanding boss.
When asked about a decision they made for themselves that they’re proud of, a number of people responded that they’re grateful they chose to leave an unhappy relationship. Rather than mourning the years they ‘wasted on a failed relationship’, they celebrate the years they reclaimed by not staying longer.
4) Practicality
If you and your partner share possessions, a home, pets, children, bills, etc., there can be a number of logistical obstacles to ending the relationship. You can even feel that staying in an unsatisfying relationship is easier than separating your lives.
While negotiating how you would divide everything could present a number of large and complicated challenges, there are likely solutions to most, although they could take a fair amount of effort to resolve. It’s also possible that you’ve overestimated the amount of energy that leaving would require.
You can start to feel more capable of resolving these challenges by thinking about how you could separate what you share. Ask yourself what you’re willing to give up, what you don’t want to compromise on, and if/how you could share some things if necessary.
You could realise that there are fewer practical barriers keeping you from leaving than you thought, or discover through seriously thinking about leaving as an option – rather than something you would like to do but can’t – that you don’t truly want to end the relationship.
5) Fear of judgement and family pressure
Despite the modern-day prevalence of divorce, there is still a stigma surrounding ending a marriage that can impede some people from leaving. Experiencing judgement and rejection is even more likely if you and your partner have children, as well as presenting additional obstacles.
The risk of being distanced from your family and/or community could be very real, and there are rarely easy solutions. You may have to accept that some of your personal relationships would end or suffer, and you may need to spend more time than you think is fair justifying your decisions to some people.
However, if you haven’t discussed how you feel with those who you believe would be the most judgemental, it can be useful to learn their opinions. They may have already made it very clear what they think of people who end relationships, but it is possible that they would be more empathetic than you realise. Even if their responses aren’t what you hoped for, you then know what to expect from them rather than having to assume.
If leaving your relationship would cost you other relationships, you may have to ask yourself which is more important: maintaining your community despite the costs, or ending a relationship at the price of some of the people in your life.
6) Fear of change and/or the unknown
Even if you’re confident they’ll be for the better, the prospect of changes and the unknown can be highly intimidating.
The human brain is designed to resist change, so even the worst relationships have the comfort of familiarity – you’re very aware that you have problems and challenges, but you know what they are and likely have methods of managing at least some of them. Leaving a bad relationship brings the risk that what will come next is worse, so even if you’re not happy, there’s still the possibility that your alternatives wouldn’t be any better and it might be preferable to stay.
While it is true that you can’t know what life will be like after making a change as impactful as leaving a relationship, perspective largely overlooks the influence you can have over your situation.
You can feel less intimidated by a future without your partner if you consider how you could address the challenges you’re likely to face and what you’re concerned about experiencing. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of and acknowledge these fears without judgement. Then think about how realistic these beliefs are or if they’re largely exaggerated. For those that are realistic, you can plan ways of overcoming these problems: if you’re worried you’ll be lonely, you could consider who you would spend time with other than your partner and start strengthening these relationships. If you think you couldn’t afford to live on your own, you could make a budget plan to get a clear perspective of your financial situation.
You may also need to accept that you can’t know exactly what the future will bring. Although uncertainty is rarely pleasant, facing the unknown is unavoidable and you’ve likely accepted it in previous occasions. You can’t know what to expect when you take a job offer, decide to become a parent, begin a relationship, and much more, but you likely accepted these uncertainties as unavoidable and necessary to entering a new stage of your life.
7) Believing that you can’t improve your life
Some people believe that they can’t change or improve their lives. This can be because they have low levels of confidence in themselves, don’t realise that they have the power to make improvements to their lives through effort, and/or they were taught that it’s pointless for them to try to change their situation.
If you have low self-esteem, poor confidence, or few examples of making positive changes in the past, you could believe that it’s impossible for you to improve your situation, including by leaving an unhappy or unhealthy relationship.
Having tried and failed to bring about positive changes in the past can make you have very little confidence in your abilities so you think of yourself as being a victim of challenges instead of capable of removing them. This is a disempowering mindset, but one that can be addressed. You can start by giving yourself very small challenges – such as putting away the laundry that’s been annoying you – and recognising how you feel when you take action to improve your situation. Progressively give yourself greater challenges to attempt or bigger problems to address. You’ll likely fail at some, but you can try again and learn that it is possible for you to recover from setbacks and make positive changes.
Someone who was taught that they can’t improve their situation may be experiencing ‘learned helplessness’. This is the belief that your attempts to bring about positive changes will fail, be sabotaged, or result in consequences. It’s common in victims of abuse who eventually stop resisting because they believe they don’t have the power or the right to improve their situation and must accept it. Learned helplessness can be taught to someone by their parents, an abusive boss, or a previous partner and they take these beliefs with them into their next relationship.
If your current partner has made you believe that you can’t change your situation and/or should be happy with the way things are, this is a sign they could be abusive or the relationship is toxic. It’s unhealthy to stay in a toxic relationship, and unsafe to be with a partner who is abusing you. Leaving an abuser can be dangerous, but it’s even more important than ending an unhappy relationship. Learned helplessness can make it intimidating to make major changes, but it can be useful to understand that you’ve been taught to feel helpless and a great deal of your insecurities were either created or exploited, rather than truly reflecting your beliefs about yourself and your abilities.
8) Experiencing manipulation
People in unhealthy relationships who are struggling to leave should ask themselves if their partner is manipulating them and making it difficult to leave. Intentionally making someone believe they’re incapable of leaving a relationship, whether for emotional or practical reasons, is abusive.
If your partner makes you think that you’re incapable of thriving, or even surviving without them, and potentially creates conditions that makes this more likely (ex. putting purchases in their name or distancing you from outside relationships), these are abusive behaviours.
Recognising that you’re being manipulated by your partner is valuable because it means there are external reasons you’re struggling to feel capable of leaving, rather than only internal ones. There are likely more obstacles – created by your partner – that make leaving challenging, but if you know that you’re being prevented from feeling capable of leaving, you can have a better understanding of your situation as well as more insight into how to improve it and determination to follow through.
9) Not realising how much happier a healthy relationship is
If you’ve never had a healthy relationship or you’ve been in an unhealthy one for a long time, you can forget how rewarding a good relationship can be.
Unhealthy relationships can make you feel responsible for more than what is reasonable, unable to be yourself, and your hopes and dreams aren’t respected. This can leave you feeling frustrated, lonely, and depressed much of the time. But healthy relationships, even though they take work and have ups and downs, bring far more positivity to your life.
You may also have forgotten the advantages of not being in a relationship, such more time for yourself, greater freedom in the choices you make, and not having someone else’s opinions to take into consideration when making decisions.
Staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship can prevent you from making the most of your life, whether that’s by finding a partner who does make you happy or enjoying being single.
You can feel more capable of leaving a relationship or investing the energy to improve it by addressing the fears and concerns that have kept you from committing to a decision. By building your confidence in your ability to improve your situation, you can feel more prepared and more capable of knowing what is best for you.
If you’re trying to encourage a friend to leave a relationship, insight into why some people stay in unrewarding or even toxic relationships can help you be more open and empathetic. It can be very difficult to know that someone you care about is in a harmful situation, especially when they don’t realise the damage it’s doing or feel capable of ending it. But you can help them by consistently being there for them no matter what they decide. Comforting someone over and over after the same fights with their partner can be difficult. But by showing someone that you care about them enough to support them and accept their decision to stay for now, even if you don’t agree, can build trust and respect and show that you care about their emotions.
Even though it’s much more important for someone to leave an abusive relationship, it’s often even more valuable for you to empathise and be there for them without demanding that they leave. Telling someone what to do or only offering support conditionally is likely what their abusive partner does. So by listening to them and telling them that you believe they can make their own decisions, you’re treating them differently than their partner and showing them that there are people who believe in them. You can also position yourself as someone who will help them if/when they do decide to leave.
Being in a relationship you’re not certain you want is likely to make you unhappy and affect your mental health because instead of feeling committed to where you’re at and the decisions you’re making, you’re wondering if you could be happier somewhere else.
Feeling incapable of leaving a relationship or thinking you should stay for a reason you’re not happy with but can’t change is a difficult way to feel. But addressing the beliefs, fears, and obstacles that are preventing you from making a decision so you can determine if you want to stay with your partner or end the relationship has great potential to improve your mental health and give you a sense of control over your life and happiness.
Exploring the reasons why you’re struggling to decide if you want to stay in your relationship or leave is valuable. Deeper insight can help you continue to get clarity into what you want, what you don’t want, and what you think are the best and most likely ways you can achieve these so you can feel motivated and confident enough to take action to improve your situation.
You could decide that you don’t want to leave the relationship. Reflecting on what you want, why you’re thinking about leaving, and considering if you could be closer to your partner could help you realise that you do want to stay and that you’re willing to do what you can to improve the relationship so it’s more rewarding.
You could decide that you would benefit from speaking with a mental health professional. Although they can’t tell you what choice would be best, they can ask you questions that will help you better understand your thoughts, feelings, fears and ambitions. They can also provide guidance in navigating the emotional challenges of leaving a relationship, as well as offer suggestions of how to reconnect with your partner if you decide to stay.
Making a decision as impactful as whether to end a relationship or stay and advocate for change is almost always challenging. It can take a lot of time and reflection before you feel ready. There will likely always be questions you can’t answer and ‘what ifs’ you’ll wonder about, but understanding why you’re struggling to make a decision and considering ways to address these obstacles can help you feel more prepared to make a decision you’ll feel confident in.
